I’ve never though of myself as a particularly anxious person. I’ve always felt that I function best in relatively high-stress, busy environments. I enjoy finding organization in chaos. But what happens when you can’t find the organization anymore? Well, then you end up feeling as if you are living in a state of chaos where you have very little control of your life. This is not a good feeling.
Those of you who know me really well, probably know what’s been going on in my life lately. I’ve been having a really tough semester – both mentally and physically (as a result of the mental part). I spent a long time in denial that anything was wrong, but eventually the wall of lies came crashing down like a wall of bricks.
I felt like I was suffocating from the stress of the semester and that I would never find my way out. I am not going to lie and say that I still don’t feel that way, because at times I do. I know that I’m being irrational but I feel like the anxiety makes me less of a person, that I’m not capable of being myself, being happy anymore, and that I never will truly live again. This is simply NOT true. I WILL get better. I am STRONGER than this. I will not let the anxiety knock me out of the game.
In six months I get to move out of Boston, and graduate classes will be officially over. Within one year, I will have my masters degree and be eligible to complete my fellowship. I will get healthy again and I will be happy.
I know this blog is supposed to be about juggling all the balls of graduate school, friends, family and whatever life brings forth. I don’t post often (mostly due to lack of enthusiasm for sitting at the computer/making my brain function longer than necessary) but I think it’s important for me to finally admit that sometimes you can’t juggle everything. I’m still not really sure exactly how to get back on my feet, but I will. In the mean time I’m going to work on that whole breathing and taking one step at a time thing.
And maybe a few inspiring quotes to leave you with –
“The stimuli doesn’t change, just your reaction to it. ” – Liz Gavett
“When you’re feeling anxious, remember that you’re still you. You are not anxiety.
Whenever you feel otherwise, remember that’s just the anxiety talking. You are still you and hold the power in every moment.” – Deanne Repich
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.”
“If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go…” – Dr. Seuss
And…breathe. Just breathe.